How to use the Matrix

Let’s begin our work in the Matrix’s lower-left quadrant. This area will help you think about the ways you may be blocked from connecting with the people and things that matter to you. The question to ask yourself here is: 

What unwanted inside stuff shows up and gets in the way of moving toward who or what is important to me?

Your answer might include things like unwanted thoughts and feelings of anger, anxiety, or guilt. For example, you might feel guilty for having missed your child’s school concert and as a result, avoid asking them how it was.

Right now, take a moment to think about specific people in your life and the things you might be saying to yourself that are stopping you from moving toward them. For instance, you might find yourself thinking thoughts like, “I don’t have time for this” or “I’m too tired.”

Let’s move to the upper-left quadrant next. In this section, we are looking at your behaviours — the things you do that move you away from the people and things that matter to you.

These behaviours often stem from your unwanted inner thoughts, feelings, and sensations. They may be things that help you cope in the short term, but they don’t move you toward what matters in the big picture of your life.

The question to ask yourself here is:

What do I do to move myself away from the unwanted inside stuff?

This prompt invites you to look at the things you do when those unwanted thoughts and feelings you just identified a moment ago pop up. Examples can include behaviours like avoiding, withdrawing, eating junk food, drinking too much, sleeping too much, or watching Netflix alone. 

Another way to ask yourself this question is:

What does it look like when I am moving away from who or what matters to me?

For example, when you find yourself experiencing guilt for not attending your child’s school concert, what behaviours do you employ to get away from that thought or feeling? Your answer could be working too much, sleeping too much, dealing with things on your own, communicating less, or something else.

In lower-right quadrant of the Matrix, the question to ask yourself is: 

Who or what is important to me? 

This might include your family, friends, colleagues, patients, or others. Think about the people and things that give you joy, meaning, and purpose — i.e., everyone and everything you see as being central to your life.

Now move to the upper-right quadrant and ask yourself: 

What could I do instead to move toward who or what is important to me?

This prompt invites you to think about ways to help yourself get closer to the people and things you want most in your life. Your answer might include ideas like share more, be present, and pay attention. 

Another way to ask yourself this question is: 

What does it look like when I am moving toward who or what matters to me?

In this case, your answer might include things like spending time together, talking about our days together, and being engaged in activities together.

Now that you’ve spent time in each quadrant of the Matrix, take a moment to consider what it is like to see things in this way. In the centre is: 

Me noticing with kindness and curiosity.

It is normal and common for us to make decisions based on notions of right/wrong, good/bad, or true/false. For example, you might want to go out for dinner with friends but feel too tired to go. So, you treat the feeling of being tired as true — and therefore you decide to stay home.

The Matrix is different. Instead of asking yourself “Am I too tired to go to dinner?” — a true/false distinction — your question becomes “Is the feeling of being tired moving me Toward or Away from what matters?”

There are, in fact, many true things that can move you away from what’s important. The Matrix helps you see them in perspective and take notice of their impact.

This shift can change your entire outlook on life. You can use this tool to help yourself understand your experiences and guide your behaviour so you can spend more time moving toward the people and things you value.